Students and alumni were overwhelmed with disgust after reading a recently published HuffPost article listing the ten highest paid college presidents in the country. Marist President Dennis Murray rang in at number three, reportedly earning over two million dollars a year for leading an institution “dedicated to helping students develop the intellect, character, and skills required for enlightened, ethical, and productive lives in the global community of the 21st century.”
After considerable amounts of negative publicity, culminating in a public forum attended by three Marist students, Dr. Murray publicly announced this past Friday that he would be destroying all of his assets. When asked why he wouldn’t consider donating the assets to a charity or student foundation, he simply responded “wildcard bitches.” He is expected to load his 2.4 million dollar salary and retirement package into the space shuttle on top of the newly renovated student center, and send his compensation into orbit later this week.
“I feel that many believe the money is the only thing keeping me at Marist,” Murray told Dead Fox reporters. “But have you seen the girls here? They”re fucking beautiful…”
Murray’s vow of poverty does come with considerable implications. He will officially become homeless on February 18th, but he says he plans to rely on the overwhelming hospitality and compassion of the Marist student body in order to survive and live comfortably.
“I plan on asserting my status and power as president only in scenarios when I need a couch to sleep on, or some new clothes to wear.” Murray stated. When asked where he planned on living, Murray replied, “Fulton has the girls, but West Cedar has the parties, so I plan on dividing my time up pretty evenly.”
Although he admits that he does make this move with trepidations, Murray says he looks forward to nights of Bud Light funneling and flip cup relays. The college president believes that this behavior, and the startlingly high rate of it on and off campus, truly makes Marist College stand out when companies like IBM want to throw millions of dollars at something.
Students hearing this news for the first time have expressed a range of emotions, from excitement to confusion. One student offered his personal couch for Murray, apparently believing that having the college president around to regulate beer pong competitions would decrease the amount of fist fights and property damage. When asked if a college president had such a jurisdiction, Dr. Murray said, “Yeah, I can do that. I’m the president of this fucking school, I can do anything I want.”