Student’s Girlfriend Really Just Wanted Sex for Valentine’s Day

Johnson contemplates mounting her boring boyfriend on the couch.

Johnson contemplates mounting her boring boyfriend on the couch.

Nicole Johnson, long time girlfriend of Casey Dillon, reportedly just wanted to have sex for Valentine’s Day. Dillon, widely known as a hopeless romantic, spent that day giving her necessary gifts that, according to Johnson, could have easily been substituted for a quickie in the bathroom.

Dillon was seen taking Johnson into an expensive restaurant and buying lobster for her, which was by far the most expensive item on the menu. “The lobster was a nice thought,” said Johnson, “but it would have been so much better if he just swept the dishes aside and ravished me on the table.”

After the boring, sexless dinner was over, Dillon gave Johnson a collage of all their memories together. Though Dillon worked diligently on the collage for weeks, it reportedly took up too much space on Johnson’s wall and would have easily been replaced by five minutes of passionless copulation.

Later that night, Johnson thought about throwing Dillon on the floor and mounting him as she dutifully listened to Dillon’s boring recollection of the day they first met. Dillon, clearly misguided by the belief that “just spending time together” was romantic, finished off this Valentine’s Day with a single kiss on the lips, to which Johnson replied, “just do me already.”

“I really just wanted to bang and go to sleep without cuddling. Sometimes I don’t think he gets how relationships work.”

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