Marist Infringes Upon Tree Rights in Order to Protect Students


All around campus today trees were seen crying out against the oppression forced upon them by Marist administrators. Viewed by many as an obstacle to campus progress, administrators have made clear through very public displays of terror that trees will not hinder campus expansion efforts.

A couple of students were outraged this past spring when four sixty year old oak trees were forcibly removed in order to make room for the new student center adjacent to Champagnat. President Murray could barely contain his excitement as he half-buttoned on his flannel shirt and went to work, removing every tree from the construction area’s radius. Adding to the callous nature of this act, some construction engineers working on the student center suggested that the new structure could have been built around the old oaks, especially considering the vast floor plan of the cabaret.

It is rumored that one student considered chaining himself to the old trees in protest, but then remembered it was Karaoke night at Darby’s.

In response to this atrocious act of violence, trees around campus organized, forming “Trees Willfully Against Trees Suffering” or TWATS. The group began having underground meetings. They sent messages by way of carrier pigeon and even rodents.

There objective was simple: to delay construction of the student center until winter.

“These trees are very realistic in their goals,” Marist environmentalist Dick Louis told The Dead Fox, “and although Marist set a very realistic timeline for construction, TWATS was able to non-violently cause stall after stall.”lumberjack murray

Although most trees on campus have respected TWATS’ request to refrain from using violence in hopes to remain favorable in the student body’s eyes, in October a contingent of trees broke off from TWATS to form FAAP (Falling Acorns Attacking People). FAAP has attempted many times to take out top administrators on campus. But when these high profile missions failed, many FAAP agents went rouge and attempted to attack innocent students indiscriminately .

Thankfully these attempts have been unsuccessful.

Our sources have alerted us that in an effort to counter FAAP and TWATS’ efforts to sap construction, the Marist administration has quietly hired contractors to detain hostile trees campus wide. Trees have been strapped down with canvas straps and wire in order to prevent a mass mobilization. Students have remained apathetic as pine cones and leaves have been removed and extradited to foreign soil for further interrogation.