As classes recommence, students all over campus are preparing to one-up each others’ spring break stories. The past weekend has been crucial for many, giving them time to make the necessary revisions to what actually happened.
Andrew Gillespie, a senior who spent the break in Punta Cana, will stop at nothing to make sure his acquaintances will never understand the incomprehensible amount of fun he had on spring break. “Oh, you had a swim up bar? That’s cute,” said Gillespie in response to a friend, adding that the bartenders at his resort swam up to him and gave complimentary handjobs.
Senior Charlie Sampson plans on using a unique strategy to ensure his spring break was superior to that of everyone he knows. “My strategy is similar to that of The Price Is Right,” he says. “I’ll wait until my friends say how many girls they had sex with, and just add one.” Gillespie added that he is perfectly willing to fabricate his entire trip.
Female students are resorting to a different, but equally effective method of persuasion, utilizing unfathomable amounts of group pictures to prove the undeniable greatness of their vacation. Andrea James has officially claimed the title of greatest spring break ever, with a “Spring Break 4Ever” Facebook album totaling at 4,276 indistinguishable beach pictures with her crew of besties.
The spring break tales have come in a wide variety of blatant lies. Some highlights include drinking with Jay-Z, domesticating a shark, and literally funneling eighteen beers at once.
On the other hand, students who stayed home for break have unanimously agreed to constantly repeat how late they slept in.