Marist student Jeff Daley just wants everyone to know that he is totally cool with the idea of gay people–just not when they act all gay.
According to Jeff, the kindling for this progressive perspective was sparked when he saw two male students holding hands. “I just thought, wow, I’m completely okay with this,” says Daley, “But I think they should be more aware of who is around them when they’re being all homosexual.”
Daley first decided to go public with his view on homosexuality after people at a party got offended with his gay joke–which, in Daley’s defense, a few of his close friends laughed at. He immediately made sure that all the party guests knew that the abstract concept that a man could love another man was entirely acceptable, as long as they kept their filthy, God-hating behavior to themselves.
“I want people to know that gay people can be awesome too,” announced Daley yesterday, “just not when they get aroused by dudes.” After this announcement, he suggested that maybe scientists could just find some alternate universe where gay people could still be awesome, without the issue of straight people having to interact with them.
Later that night, Daley and his friends agreed that they are all really good people, and congratulated each other on their moral character with an oddly homoerotic embrace. “Chill dude, it’s called a bro hug,” added Daley.
Daley relates his understanding of the intangible notion of homosexuality to his revolutionary thoughts on gender pay gaps. “Look, I fully support the idea of women getting equal pay,” says Daley. “Just not in my profession.”