Actor Kevin Bacon has recently expressed outrage over Poughkeepsie’s “Party Nuisance” law passed a few weeks ago. According to eye-witness accounts, Bacon has been dancing “loosely” in defiance to this anti-party law.
“LETS DANCEEEEEEEEE” Bacon told local reporters as he waved around his personal copy of the classic, Slaughterhouse-Five.
When passing the Party Nuisance Law, Poughkeepsie board members boasted a common political strategy in which laws are created when the very subjects they could potentially penalize are absent for the entire legal drafting and ratification process. “By passing the bill when no students were at school, we basically ensured that there would be nothing standing in our way,” gloated one
This foolproof plan was quickly foiled by Mr. Bacon, who cites the Holy Bible as his inspiration for his party-friendly form of nonviolent protest against this law, a law which students will definitely abide by without question. “David spent his time leaping and dancing before the Lord,” said Bacon, a little out of breath from changing the world with his dance moves. “It’s our time to dance now.”
Some students rejoiced upon hearing Bacon’s defiant response, but most students were totally okay with the law and considered Bacon’s outburst unnecessary. “It’s just a couple weeks in prison and a few thousand dollars in fines for some loud noise and litter,” said no one ever. “If we’re having fun in college, we’re just wasting our money anyways.”
Marist administrators call Bacon’s response “completely ridiculous.”
“Mr. Bacon is being dramatic,” says one administrator. “Once you account for minor issues like stagnant unemployment, depreciation of a bachelor degree’s value, and bottomless student debt, our students really have nothing to complain about. This law will only ensure that their final years in college will be as depressing and melancholy as life in the real world.”
Despite Mr. Bacon’s fervent opposition towards the new law, a protest movement among students is unlikely considering that troop escalation – in Vietnam – was the last event Marist students found questionable enough to protest. Bacon continues to dance alone, hoping to inspire students who really just want to stay in and read on the weekends.