Students Implore Loquacious Classmate to Shut the Fuck Up

"He never stops smiling"

“He never stops smiling”


Hancock 2012

Uninterested non-major students conned into taking a humanities class by their malicious advisors lamented this morning at the sound of Pat Germon’s voice. Germon, who is easily the most annoying member of Dr. Schultz’ Ethics and Morality class, disgusts fellow students with his well-formed and rationally argued ideas which often times relate to the focus of the course.

As a philosophy major at Marist who hopes to land a job close to his home in the Northeast after school, Germon’s inherent intelligence is questionable. However after nearly sixty painfully slow seconds of classroom debate, it is obvious that Germon may actually be the next Bill Jobs.

Schultz, a Berkley trained epistemologist, celebrates his finest student’s adequate comprehension of ethical dilemmas.

“He’s my brightest student…by default,” claimed the Birkenstocked professor.

Associate Professor Schultz continued to admit that it’s tough to find a student at Marist who actually has a question or comment…ever.

“Pat Germon just gets it,” remarked Schultz. “I think he might actually be…doing the assigned reading.”

He continued to remark on the quality of his students’ discussion.

“Even when my students are sober enough to coherently participate in my Wednesday 8am, it’s difficult to find one who understands basic sentence structure as well as Germon does.”

But fellow students loathe Germon’s constant rambling.

“I just don’t understand how anyone could read about all this boring shit in this world,” exclaimed Donna Martin, a junior Communications major from somewhere in Long Island, New York. “I mean women’s rights in Saudi Arabia, the conspiracy of racial discrimination in America, and youth in Asia? And there aren’t even any fucking videos to go along with the assignments.”

Germon, who simply explained his interest in human dignity, countered his colorful classmate.

“I’m just trying to facilitate some discussion so I can get a good grade and not fall asleep in class. It’s honestly a constant internal struggle between talking enough and not coming off as a pretentious asshole.”

After hearing this, Donna replied with: “What a prick.”

Other students seemed stupefied at Germon’s obsession with grades.

“Doesn’t this dumbass know what grade inflation is,” one classmate inquired. “All you have to do is show up and you can basically just get an A. That’s why Marist is so exclusive.”

Either way, it seems that Germon’s classmates just want him to take a bottle of Pepto-Bismol for his mouth diarrhea so their own understanding of world issues doesn’t appear to be so pitiful.

“It’s what my major is all about,” said one adorably dressed international business major after a thrillingly mind-numbing fifty minute discussion about abortion (something which humankind had previously thought to be impossible). “Eliminate the competition so you don’t have to work as hard…it’s the new American dream.”

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