Jimmy Pacer, a notoriously ugly and timid boy from New Jersey, has received no matches on the popular dating app Tinder. Pacer came to Marist College this year, hoping to change his self-image by becoming less ugly and shy. So far, however, he has had little success and is especially disappointed in his inability to find a match on Tinder.
Pacer has reportedly been ugly since the day he was born. High school classmate Aaron Wilkins recalls how ugly Pacer looked when he saved a popular football player from choking in the cafeteria. “His acne was pretty bad that day,” says Wilkins. “I’m not surprised he hasn’t gotten a Tinder match yet.”
Other high school classmates of Pacer remember how terribly unattractive he looked when he shaved his head in honor of his brother, who was going through chemotherapy at the time. Pacer also allegedly brought down the sexual energy of the room when he volunteered to run a food drive for the poor in his community.
We asked Calvin Armstrong, who Pacer listed as his favorite teacher from high school, what he thought of Pacer’s lack of success on Tinder. “Who the fuck is Jimmy Pacer?” said Armstrong.
After showing Armstrong a few pictures of Pacer’s ugly, insecure face, Armstrong seemed to remember and promptly declared that Pacer “has no shot of losing his virginity in college.”
When asked how he felt about having no Tinder matches, Pacer wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans and stuttered for a moment before getting stage fright and running out of the room. This came as a relief to our reporters, as they had grown tired of looking at Pacer’s repulsive face. Pacer continues his futile search for love on Tinder in the comfort of his dimly-lit single dorm room.
(Image from http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_politics/5301824.stm)