Upper Fulton 8A
Sources with Marist Security confirmed this morning that Sam Robinson, a Junior from Fort Lee New Jersey, has finally gained access to his townhouse after waiting outside for all five weeks of winter break.
Robinson, a Business major who is currently enrolled in the Honor’s Program, told reporters that he was on his way back from a Friday morning final when he realized that his keys were still perched upon his dresser.
“All my housemates had gone home, and I had lost my phone the night before at River Station.” Sam admitted. “This is the point I knew I’d be locked out for some time.”
He had no idea.
Knowing he had little hope of making the fourteen mile round trip to Donnelly and back before sundown, Robinson bundled up and sat in the corner of his stoop, with hopes that a grown-up would come and help him.
“Before I knew it, three days had gone by. I survived only on lip balm and the rotted pumpkin that my shitty housemates had refused to throw out after Halloween. I thought my family would come looking for me.” Sam told us.
Unfortunately, the Robinson family made no such effort. Looking back on it now, Sam’s father, Jeremy blames the addictive ABC Family 25 Days of Christmas for his severe lapse in judgement. Also, he is a spirited drunk who honestly wouldn’t let a missing son get in the way of his colorful habit.
So Sam was left alone on his doorstep. He tells us of how he was literally frozen to the concrete. The only comfort he found in the barren wasteland of Upper Fulton was the forty five minutes of sunlight every morning at 730am.
“I used to hate that sun when I was trying to sleep through my 8am,” said Robinson, his eyes glazed over with the pain of memory. “I have a new appreciation for life and my friends.”
Speaking of friends, Robinson claims he became very close with two deer that wandered on campus every night during his thirty-six day ordeal. In a heartwarming moment, Robinson duplicated a little piece of home by staging a recreation of Miracle on 34th Street with his deer friends. This reportedly made Robinson’s father feel a little better about himself.
Robinson managed to stay warm enough to survive by ripping pages from his finals notes and using them as insulation between his outer and inner layers of clothing. He even came close to finding God, but lost him after God said he refused to walk up the sixty-eight stairs in order to reach Robinson.
Finally, just this morning, Sam’s housemates came back and immediately brought Sam to St. Francis’ ER. Medical personnel promptly treated and released Mr. Robinson in record time, unburdened by the typically long line of drunken Marist students hooked up to IVs.
With this new lease on life, Mr. Robinson plans to murder his father, get really rich and donate to major charities, and never be mean to anyone ever again.