Arthur MacAllister, a former hardcore fanboy of AMC’s hit show Breaking Bad, recently discovered that actual methamphetamine is far more addicting than Walter White’s life story. After bidding farewell to his beloved fictional characters, MacAllister was left with what he called a “gaping void” in his soul that no amount of real human interaction could fill. All hope seemed lost for MacAllister, until his life was turned around by a hooded figure selling crystal meth behind a Denny’s.
“Walter White’s death hit me hard,” said MacAllister. “If you ever experience real loss like that, you’d understand why I turned to meth.”
MacAllister credits methamphetamine with finally breaking his addiction to Breaking Bad, claiming that he sees the world so much clearer now. “I finally have my priorities figured out. Meth, then masturbation, then my family if I’m still awake.”
In a recent interview, MacAllister revealed that he has disposed of his Breaking Bad collection, burned his Walter White Bobblehead, and sold his totally unique hazmat suit Halloween costume in an attempt to sever all ties to the show. He expressed no interest in it, saying only that Vince Gilligan is an amateur at making addicting products.
“Fuck that show, this shit is off the hook!” said MacAllister as he bludgeoned our reporter with a chair in order to steal the seven dollars from his wallet. The two have since made amends, bonding over their mutual indifference to Low Winter Sun.