Peyton Manning Tells All: “Papa John is a Fucking Prick”

Peyton Manning contemplates bashing Papa John's head in with an ice pick.

Peyton Manning contemplates bashing Papa John’s head in with an ice pick.

Peyton Manning reportedly spent his Tuesday off thinking about how much of a fucking prick Papa John is. In a recent interview, Manning revealed that every time he has to say “better ingredients, better pizza, Papa John’s,” he quite literally wants to kill himself.

“All he does is tell me what to do. Spread sauce here, put pepperonis there. I can’t take it anymore,” said Manning. “I’m going to be a Hall of Fame quarterback and I’m standing there in a fucking apron.”

Manning was ready to end his contract with Papa John, but grudgingly renewed it when he realized his brother Eli Manning snagged a commercial deal with Toyota. “He has more Super Bowl rings than me,” said Peyton. “”I’ll be damned if he’s going to be in more commercials than me.”

Our reporters scheduled an interview with Papa John himself to ask him what he thought of Peyton Manning’s comments. He appeared to not understand a single question, and responded to everything with “Better ingredients, better pizza, Papa John’s.”

Peyton Manning eagerly awaits the end of his contract, and dreams of a day when he can pursue his ambition of succeeding Brett Favre as the face of Wrangler jeans.

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