Rowing Team Loses Limelight, Looks for More Shit in the River

crew headFollowing the discovery of a giant styrofoam head floating in the Hudson River, the Marist rowing team basked in the limelight of a spike in student interest. The head has been missing for months now, though, and Coach Matt Lavin fears their golden age is coming to an end.

Hope is not lost, though. In response to their dwindling fan base, Lavin has shifted the focus of practices towards finding more bizarre objects in the river. Lavin explained his approach to our reporters in a recent interview.

“No one understands what a good time for a coxed four is,” says Lavin. “But who can’t relate to a giant, soggy, styrofoam head?”

So far, the team has managed to salvage two pieces of driftwood, a large button, an empty Rolling Rock box, and a white cloth object that has not yet been identified. After further inspection, some members of the team have concluded that it is a Hanes sock, but many have expressed confidence that it is in fact a rare handkerchief from the Roosevelt home.

Despite the excitement over the white cloth, Lavin believes his athletes can achieve more. In an effort to improve results, he has instated scuba diving lessons three times a week. “I admit I’ve been too focused on floating objects. As a coach, you’re bound to make mistakes sometimes,” says Lavin. “I want to get the most out of my athletes, and just think of all the good shit we can find under the water.”

The rowing team’s approach to training has sparked the interests of other Marist sports. Cross country coach Pete Colaizzo has begun sending his runners out to find dead bodies in the woods. “The team could really use the publicity to build up their confidence,” says Colaizzo. “And hell, maybe a couple of these guys will even lose their virginity.”