Here are this past week’s Marist Poll findings.
Percentage of Marist students at Barstool who thought they had purchased and consumed Molly.
Percentage of these students who were sold Children’s Motrin.
Number of guys who got head on the Barstool dance floor.
Number of girls who gave head on the Barstool dance floor.
Percentage of parents wondering why “Barstool Blackout Tour” is on their credit card statement. Later, they’ll consider the much more important question of where they went wrong over the course of your childhood.
Percentage of students who actually recycle.
Percentage of students who agree that Fireball Whiskey is actually ambrosia.
Percentage of Marist Poll operators who pretended that they worked for a phone sex hotline this past week whenever a member of the opposite gender answered the phone.
Percentage Marist students who wonder if they’ll ever find true love in the form of a friends with benefits situation where each party involved engages in sadomasochistic sexual actions.
Amount of times this week that you’ll be tempted to skip a class because at this point in your college career you understand that your future employer doesn’t really care about your comprehension of Cartesian Dualism.
Percentage of readers who will actually make it this far in the post.