Vegan group removes food entirely from diet

The Vegans Against Animal Abuse (VAAA), a well known animal rights activist group, recently announced a bold new plan in which members would cease to consume food entirely. Shortly afterwards, VAAA president Ingrid Van Ingren stated that the group would be changing its name to Saviors Of Planet Earth (SOPE).

SOPE’s previous contributions to society remain a mystery, but this new plan of action has certainly garnered some attention. Family members, friends and coworkers of the participants have expressed great concern for the well being of all involved. Studies have shown that the average human being will die after just three weeks with no food, making SOPE’s plan potentially life-threatening. Van Ingren has disregarded these concerns claiming that the power of love will keep them alive.

“All you need is love,” said Van Ingren in a recent interview, fiddling with her dream catcher necklace. “And you can’t trust scientists anyway. Science created the atom bomb and look where that got us.”

SOPE’s decision to never ingest calories again is being advertised as a response to the way human beings have treated Earth. The idea to expand their horizons from mere veganism to anti-foodism came when Van Ingren was wandering a grocery store one day and noticed the spinach looked rather wilted.

“The spinach looked so depressed,” said Van Ingren. “That was when I realized animals weren’t the only ones suffering.” Several scientists have publicly denounced Van Ingren’s reasoning as foolish, pointing out that plants do not have a nervous system and therefore can’t feel pain. Van Ingren has nevertheless stood by her decision claiming that “you don’t need a nervous system to feel sad.”

Some of our reporters recently interviewed three different types of spinach to see how they felt about SOPE’s plan to never eat again. Neither the savoy spinach, the semi-savoy spinach, nor the flat-leaf spinach expressed any appreciation. In an effort to ensure that spinach was not simply an apathetic species of plant, they also questioned several oak trees. The trees were described as “stubbornly unresponsive.”

Van Ingren remains undaunted. “It’s just a matter of treating the world the way you want to be treated,” she says. “You wouldn’t take a baby human away from its parents, so why should we do the same to baby spinach?”

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