Reporters gasped in shock last Tuesday when Michael Bay, after announcing his intention to make at least ten Transformers films, revealed that he is actually a robot in human disguise. Bay, best known for numbing America’s minds with two and a half hour pyrotechnics displays in the Transformers series and butchering American history in Pearl Harbor, told the crowd that he has been hiding this secret for years.
Travis Peters, a reporter from Entertainment Weekly, described his reaction to us. “When he opened up his chest and revealed the circuit board beneath it, I realized I was wrong about Michael Bay all these years. I thought, hey, maybe he’s not a bloodthirsty misogynistic pervert.”
Our film crew reports that they “almost felt emotion” when Bay opened up about his life-long struggle to connect with humans. It was “nearly cathartic” when he recounted his tale of attempted suicide, where he came mere millimeters away from touching the red wire to the green wire. After this , many critics that once referred to Bay’s directing as “viciously untalented” or “the worst of the century” are starting to take new stances.
“We’ve realized the travesties of cinema Bay has created are really just a cry for help,” said Peters. “Bay’s horrendously unrealistic attempt at depicting love in Pearl Harbor is just an expression of his inability to grasp real emotion. We don’t know what it’s like to have a hard drive for a heart.”
Bay also explained the meaning behind his Transoformers series, describing them as a reflection of the war he feels—or wishes he could feel—inside of him.
“I decided feeling pain would be better than feeling nothing at all,” said Bay. “So I made a two and a half hour movie about robots beating the shit out of each other.”
Unfortunately, the first Transformers didn’t fill the gaping void in his programmed soul. So he made another. And then he made another. And now he is scheduled to make a fourth.
Critics and audiences alike now eagerly anticipate this fourth installment, and have affectionately named Bay the Tin Man. After learning of this nickname, Bay decided to embrace it and announced plans to act and direct his magnum opus: a reimagining of The Wizard of Oz.
Megan Fox’s tits are slated to star as Dorothy’s Bosom. Co-stars include Shia Labeouf as the Scarecrow, Ben Affleck as the Cowardly Lion, and in a supporting role Megan Fox herself will be playing The Rest of Dorothy’s Body. Bay, of course, will play the Tin Man, and is expected to give new meaning to the classic song “If I Only Had a Heart.”